“Release the Inner You! For inner and outer cleanliness! Too many people, both men and women, suffer from constipation of the soul!”
— Neil Gaiman, A Study in Emerald
I have been doing this kind of release. It’s not going very successfully because I still have some sort of attachment to the negative things surrounding me at the moment. Yesterday I planned a little change of routine for today. Usually after I walk my sister to school, I would return to my dark little corner of the bedroom to sulk and not read and just lie on my bed like a raped vegetable.
Today, though, I went to exercise in the mini gym near our house and then went for a walk. I decided to walk to the library. It was weird because I felt like Dora the Explorer. I got my backpack and loaded it with a granola bar, yogurt, water (I didn’t eat breakfast yet) and then I also brought my books. I don’t carry just a single book now because I have these mood swings lately which changes even my mood for which books to read. Sometimes I would rather read non-fiction, but then I get bored and want to read fiction. It’s quite mentally exhausting. I also handed copies of my resume to a few stores on the way. Then when I arrived in the library, I ate breakfast there and just started reading.
I don’t understand myself sometimes. Often I desire to be alone, but when I’ve got nobody else, I crave for friends or for anyone I can communicate with. While at the library, I picked up a copy of Chuck Palahniuk’s Stranger than Fiction.
“You stay in your story world until you destroy it. Then you come back to be with other people. And so it goes: Alone. Together. Alone. Together.” — Chuck Palahniuk, Stranger than Fiction
That’s exactly how I feel. I used to confuse myself whether I am an introvert or an extrovert, but now I’m pretty sure I’m an introvert. Sometimes I want to be away from people, but sometimes I want to be with people. Being with other people too much wears me out, but it’s not like I can live without other people. I just need friends sometimes, and I am able to be a friend. But most of the time, I’d rather be alone. I’m sort of a private person who likes friends but being with friends too much can get too draining. So yeah, I think I am an introvert.
Or I could just be a pervert. Yesterday, I watched two Spanish movies: La Mala Educacion (Bad Education) and Hable Con Ella (Talk to Her). They’re both great movies. I find them rather disturbing though. But I find disturbing good. Both movies creeped me out. “Talk to Her” is pretty good because I think it was intriguing for some reason. It could be because of the two leading male characters’ relationship. It was kind of odd. But “Bad Education”, my gosh. There was just too much gay action I couldn’t handle it at first, but then I made it to the end because of Gael Garcia Bernal (he’s such a hottie, lol). Still, while watching I kind of asked myself if that was gay porn I was watching. But I’m pretty sure it’s not though… right? If you know the answer, please don’t break my heart.
You don’t know how hard it is being exposed to so much sex stuff like that. After watching the two movies (there was nudity in Talk to Her as well), I started to watch this new American TV Show “Girls”, which was a REALLY BAD IDEA! You know how American TV shows are. Sex, drugs, messed up drama, and sex again. If I could shout it to the world, I would: there is too much sex around me! Please, I don’t want to see anyone’s private parts right now!
Anyway, right now I’m just trying to “release the inner self”, whatever that means. I could be much more broken inside, or maybe the pain is just a scratch on the outside. I will never know if I don’t look within myself. Right now, I might go back and forth. From my own world to reality. Alone. Together. Alone. Together.
I’ll let Neil Gaiman describe what I’ve found out about myself so far:
“I am selfish, private, and easily bored. Will that be a problem?” – Neil Gaiman, Fragile Things
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PS: I’m dreaming of studying Forensic Linguistics one day.
Also, I might even receive a fully functional laptop very soon (without spending money!). I’ll finally get to use Skype without any problems *Alanis Morissette’s hit song Ironic starts playing*.
EDIT: I got accepted at Simon Fraser! <3
I must say, I really like the fact that the comment box is at the side. Saves me from scrolling a bit when I want to comment. xD
It’s hard not stay attached to negative things when they have an impact on you. Sometimes I just keep myself busy in order to make sure I stay positive. Sometimes keeping focused on the day ahead makes me focus on what’s more important.
Sometimes I really want to be alone, too. But sometimes I hate being lonely and I want to talk to a friend. I don’t have many friends and don’t hang out in large groups so I guess I don’t really have that kind of urge to talk to people much. If I get to talk to one person, I’m usually alright.
I think I might be more introverted than extroverted. Maybe you and I could just be an amalgamation of both. :)
Sex in movies is rather awkward. At times it’s appropriate but some shows have so many “corny” references to sex. XD I don’t think you’re a pervert for that, though. No one can blame you for being surrounded by sex references. :P
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I LOVE THIS POST CHIUI DEAR! And A Study in Emerald? I never knew Gaiman wrote a book like that? Is that a book! Oh how very Gaiman it is!
Raped vegetable, cracked me up XD Okay that… nevermind…
I need to read Chuck Palahniuk.
I feel that i am really an introvert too. It’s so freaky that ever since college ended, I seem to be talking to myself MORE. I don’t really need company that much, I crave for solace and alone time too. I feel like I’m living in two worlds though, one where people see me as bubbly and happy and all and then there’s this darkness inside my mind that is such a big part of me, I think people won’t even recognize in me but I find myself more attached to this than the extroverted bubbly self.
and HABLA CON ELLA OMG, I totally watched that during Eurofilm class and man, can’t get over that silent film sequence. IT’S INSANE :/ It shocked me really. Haven’t seen La Mala Educacion but since you say it’s like that… maybe I won’t…
Sighs, it’s all sex everywhere! But I don’t think it’s just in this age, I just finished reading Ken Follett’s Pillars of the Earth and it was set in the middle ages but… EVERYONE ALSO TALKED ABOUT IT, ACTUALLY MORE SO! Especially with looting… raping… ohmyg. Changed my romantic ideal of what middle age was like completely. And do you know about the 120 Days of Sodom (the book by Sade, whose name was used as root word for…. sadism…) okay DON’T RESEARCH ON IT. It’s quite CREEPY. I don’t want to read it!
But you’re right… we must… somehow… release the inner self. I like that quote :D Thanks for a good post Chiui!
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what..whaat? What is this? LOL Now that was my initial reaction to your awesome positioning of the comment area.
Anyway xD I love the quotes you used :) The first one made me laugh haha :D I can totally understand what you’re saying and yes, you do sound like an introvert because introverts cannot handle people so much; it is very draining. Only a little at a time…
I use to be an introvert, but now I’m an extreme introvert D: I don’t even wanna be near people unless I have to. Perhaps it’s just a phase. People are exhausting sometimes.
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“Sometimes I want to be away from people, but sometimes I want to be with people. Being with other people too much wears me out, but it’s not like I can live without other people.” I particularly like this one. Reading this blogpost reminded me of the past posts I read before. Well, I see changes here and there (yes, I backread).
I get that feeling — that feeling like going back in your shell, shutting down all the doors and closing all the windows but at some point, wanting to take a peek outside because there are people out there. We may have existed not because of them but…there’s something else.
The inner self. Finding the inner self all by yourself is good.
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I could totally relate to this post ate Chiui. I have friends, most of the time I spend time alone. I don’t know, I just enjoy it but sometimes also I want someone with me. Neil Gaiman and Chuck Palahniuk seems to be great author, I’ve never read any of their books but your post suggest I should reading their books because I would most probably learn a lot of things.
American Tv Shows are like that, but I still watch them because they’re interesting… just fast forward the obscene part :)) I think Girls is like Skins.
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You should do the MBTI, Chiui! Everything made sense when my results showed that I’m introverted, but borderline extroverted. =)
Also, I completely DO not understand explicit Spanish movies. =P Totally not for me. Haha!
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This was really interesting to think about, “constipation of the soul”. Like you’re not letting yourself get to your full potential or something (or at least that’s how I think of it) I think it was great of you to do something different and go to the gym instead of sitting in your room, I wish I had the courage to do that as well, lol. Sometimes I can be such a hermit -__-
With the introvert and extrovert thing, I am almost exactly the same way. I think it’s normal for us to be like that, to want to be alone at some times but also to want to be with people at other times. But, I am an introvert as well, so I like being alone more than I like being with people, but there are those times where I do love spending time with my friends, so I guess it just depends on your mood!
Oh my goodness, those Spanish movies sound kind of… interesting! I’m not one for foreign movies, although I really liked Pan’s Labyrinth. If you haven’t watched it, you should, it’s a kind of creepy but interesting movie. :)
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