Everything in my life these days tasted bitter. The only thing that remains sweet is my Lord who gives me comfort and strength every single day.

Have you ever tried to be appointed as some leader of something you never liked? Have you ever tried to do your best just to care? It’s very hard to love something you’re initially indifferent to. But as time went on, I tried everything I could do in order to desire something that I saw as a junk from the beginning. It feels like I’m pretending to like the taste of a food I never wanted, but I wanted to like it just because a very good friend of mine wants me to like it. There is pressure. But I tried accepting it, respecting the fact that this thing that I have to like is something likable at least. I put it on my mind that if I managed to give this thing a chance, it will be very rewarding.

Of course, you can’t expect me to be successful in an instant. This is something I can’t conquer overnight. I will fall, I will make mistakes, I will go back to where I was from the start. It is a part of trying. I never promised that I can do it, although I kept it in my heart that I must be able to do it. And since everything about this thing is LEARNING, I trusted everyone to be open. I trusted everyone to correct me whenever I am doing something wrong. I trusted everyone to follow the rules that they themselves put up. I trusted everyone because I saw everyone as a friend, teammates, and since I have grown attached to them, I saw them as a part of my family. I mean, I live alone here in the Philippines. Everyone that I love right now, I see them as a part of my family. Now, wouldn’t it hurt if your family members would keep something from you?

I can’t stop myself from being so angry right now. I can’t help but feel destroyed and betrayed. It feels like I am being thrown away. I know I did something wrong, but that something which I did, I do not have an idea. Would it hurt so much if they tell me what’s wrong with me? I do not want to take a step down without even knowing what I did wrong. I don’t want them to just tell me what to do. I am not learning from that. I want to get something from what I am doing right now. I still believe that what I am doing right now is not just plain ball of hard work and stress. This is art and learning and everything in between. That’s why I don’t want to give up on this just like that, you know, without having to learn how well or bad I am doing, and what I can do in order to improve. I sincerely gave this thing a chance in my heart, and it hurts that it would not give me a chance in return.

This is my first time to lead even a small group of people, and this is my first time to do an activity such as this. I am trying my best to do well, but I am not really good at this. I don’t want to say I am sorry, for when I mess up, I mess up. I can’t do anything about it. That guy who said that was extremely right.

The process of writing this was horrible. It feels like I am betraying something, or somebody, when I am just expressing myself. I did not mention anything or anyone, did I? This feels fair enough.