Chiui's Blog! | "With writing, we have second chances."

“Release the Inner You! For inner and outer cleanliness! Too many people, both men and women, suffer from constipation of the soul!”
— Neil Gaiman, A Study in Emerald

I have been doing this kind of release. It’s not going very successfully because I still have some sort of attachment to the negative things surrounding me at the moment. Yesterday I planned a little change of routine for today. Usually after I walk my sister to school, I would return to my dark little corner of the bedroom to sulk and not read and just lie on my bed like a raped vegetable.

Today, though, I went to exercise in the mini gym near our house and then went for a walk. I decided to walk to the library. It was weird because I felt like Dora the Explorer. I got my backpack and loaded it with a granola bar, yogurt, water (I didn’t eat breakfast yet) and then I also brought my books. I don’t carry just a single book now because I have these mood swings lately which changes even my mood for which books to read. Sometimes I would rather read non-fiction, but then I get bored and want to read fiction. It’s quite mentally exhausting. I also handed copies of my resume to a few stores on the way. Then when I arrived in the library, I ate breakfast there and just started reading.

I don’t understand myself sometimes. Often I desire to be alone, but when I’ve got nobody else, I crave for friends or for anyone I can communicate with. While at the library, I picked up a copy of Chuck Palahniuk’s Stranger than Fiction.

“You stay in your story world until you destroy it. Then you come back to be with other people. And so it goes: Alone. Together. Alone. Together.” — Chuck Palahniuk, Stranger than Fiction

That’s exactly how I feel. I used to confuse myself whether I am an introvert or an extrovert, but now I’m pretty sure I’m an introvert. Sometimes I want to be away from people, but sometimes I want to be with people. Being with other people too much wears me out, but it’s not like I can live without other people. I just need friends sometimes, and I am able to be a friend. But most of the time, I’d rather be alone. I’m sort of a private person who likes friends but being with friends too much can get too draining. So yeah, I think I am an introvert.

Or I could just be a pervert. Yesterday, I watched two Spanish movies: La Mala Educacion (Bad Education) and Hable Con Ella (Talk to Her). They’re both great movies. I find them rather disturbing though. But I find disturbing good. Both movies creeped me out. “Talk to Her” is pretty good because I think it was intriguing for some reason. It could be because of the two leading male characters’ relationship. It was kind of odd. But “Bad Education”, my gosh. There was just too much gay action I couldn’t handle it at first, but then I made it to the end because of Gael Garcia Bernal (he’s such a hottie, lol). Still, while watching I kind of asked myself if that was gay porn I was watching. But I’m pretty sure it’s not though… right? If you know the answer, please don’t break my heart.

You don’t know how hard it is being exposed to so much sex stuff like that. After watching the two movies (there was nudity in Talk to Her as well), I started to watch this new American TV Show “Girls”, which was a REALLY BAD IDEA! You know how American TV shows are. Sex, drugs, messed up drama, and sex again. If I could shout it to the world, I would: there is too much sex around me! Please, I don’t want to see anyone’s private parts right now!

Anyway, right now I’m just trying to “release the inner self”, whatever that means. I could be much more broken inside, or maybe the pain is just a scratch on the outside. I will never know if I don’t look within myself. Right now, I might go back and forth. From my own world to reality. Alone. Together. Alone. Together.

I’ll let Neil Gaiman describe what I’ve found out about myself so far:

“I am selfish, private, and easily bored. Will that be a problem?” – Neil Gaiman, Fragile Things

***

PS: I’m dreaming of studying Forensic Linguistics one day.

Also, I might even receive a fully functional laptop very soon (without spending money!). I’ll finally get to use Skype without any problems *Alanis Morissette’s hit song Ironic starts playing*.

EDIT: I got accepted at Simon Fraser! <3

healthy, adj.

There are times when I’m alone that I think, this is it. This is actually the natural state. All I need are my thoughts and my small acts of creation and my ability to go or do whatever I want to go or do. I am myself, and that is the point. Pairing is a social construction. It is by no means necessary for everyone to do it. Maybe I’m better like this. Maybe I could live my life in my own world, and then simply leave it when it’s time to go.”
― David Levithan, The Lover’s Dictionary

***

It occurred to me that maybe I was born to be alone.

Just a few days ago, I got really into this very catchy song by Kate Nash (my new favourite artist, by the way). It’s called Merry Happy. It might be my new very own life anthem. The lyrics goes

I can be alone, yeah, I can watch a sunset on my own. I can be alone.

Maybe pairing really is a social construction. I remember reading something from the Bible which says that if you can, don’t marry at all. Maybe I can.

Now the thing about me is, I really like babies. I want my own baby. I can’t just get myself pregnant with some random dude on the street and be all like “hey I’m not married, but I’d really like a baby so can you, like, give me some of your sperm or something?” No. That would be slutty. And that’s just gross. So because of this, I kind of made a Plan B, which is kind of obvious by now, I guess.

Adoption! I don’t really know much about it, but I’d like to adopt a baby in the future. I just watched the movie Juno (Michael Cera, Ellen Page) the other day. It’s about this teenage girl who got preggers by accident. She didn’t want to keep the baby, of course, because she was only in highschool. This married woman who couldn’t have babies adopted the highschool girl’s baby. They just agreed on it. I mean, with help from a lawyer and all that. Maybe I should do that as well. Wait, I don’t know what I’m saying right now, but I’ll consider doing that if all else fails, you know?

By the way, I just finished reading The Fault in Our Stars. I made a post about it on my Tumblr account. I rated it 3/5, if you’re curious. Everything I want to say about the book is on the Tumblr, yo! Except for this: the story will make you think about things like what is the last book I’m going to read? Will I make it to the end of the book? I wonder. Will I be able to read all of Chuck Palahniuk’s books? Will I finish the book I am currently reading? It’s one of the sad things about dying. Your life might end slowly or abruptly. It’s sad either way because, well, your life is ending.

This made me remember Banana Yoshimoto’s short novel Hard Luck. In that one, though, the question is what is the last song am I going to listen to? In the story, it says that the last song you listen to will have to be sort of related to your death. I wonder if the last song I listen to would have some relation to my death. I just hope I don’t listen to anything stupid around the time I die.

***

Also, I wrote short poems. But I will not let you read them all. Maybe just one because I am a really bad poet and I know nothing about poetry:

Plan A

I seek a confident mouth
With an honest breath.
Barely able to utter lies
Of carelessness,
Made to tell even
The most painful truth
With words of comfort and assurance.
A mouth that carries stories
That are yet to unfold
And that still linger-
In this mouth lies a rock
Which I will wrap around my finger.

For some reason, I feel embarrassed when writing poems and letting others read it, especially when the readers get it. It’s kind of like posing naked in front of people and saying hey, this is all I got. Something like that. I find it humiliating. Maybe it’s because I’m not sexy, and I just really suck at poetry.