“Release the Inner You! For inner and outer cleanliness! Too many people, both men and women, suffer from constipation of the soul!”
— Neil Gaiman, A Study in Emerald
I have been doing this kind of release. It’s not going very successfully because I still have some sort of attachment to the negative things surrounding me at the moment. Yesterday I planned a little change of routine for today. Usually after I walk my sister to school, I would return to my dark little corner of the bedroom to sulk and not read and just lie on my bed like a raped vegetable.
Today, though, I went to exercise in the mini gym near our house and then went for a walk. I decided to walk to the library. It was weird because I felt like Dora the Explorer. I got my backpack and loaded it with a granola bar, yogurt, water (I didn’t eat breakfast yet) and then I also brought my books. I don’t carry just a single book now because I have these mood swings lately which changes even my mood for which books to read. Sometimes I would rather read non-fiction, but then I get bored and want to read fiction. It’s quite mentally exhausting. I also handed copies of my resume to a few stores on the way. Then when I arrived in the library, I ate breakfast there and just started reading.
I don’t understand myself sometimes. Often I desire to be alone, but when I’ve got nobody else, I crave for friends or for anyone I can communicate with. While at the library, I picked up a copy of Chuck Palahniuk’s Stranger than Fiction.
“You stay in your story world until you destroy it. Then you come back to be with other people. And so it goes: Alone. Together. Alone. Together.” — Chuck Palahniuk, Stranger than Fiction
That’s exactly how I feel. I used to confuse myself whether I am an introvert or an extrovert, but now I’m pretty sure I’m an introvert. Sometimes I want to be away from people, but sometimes I want to be with people. Being with other people too much wears me out, but it’s not like I can live without other people. I just need friends sometimes, and I am able to be a friend. But most of the time, I’d rather be alone. I’m sort of a private person who likes friends but being with friends too much can get too draining. So yeah, I think I am an introvert.
Or I could just be a pervert. Yesterday, I watched two Spanish movies: La Mala Educacion (Bad Education) and Hable Con Ella (Talk to Her). They’re both great movies. I find them rather disturbing though. But I find disturbing good. Both movies creeped me out. “Talk to Her” is pretty good because I think it was intriguing for some reason. It could be because of the two leading male characters’ relationship. It was kind of odd. But “Bad Education”, my gosh. There was just too much gay action I couldn’t handle it at first, but then I made it to the end because of Gael Garcia Bernal (he’s such a hottie, lol). Still, while watching I kind of asked myself if that was gay porn I was watching. But I’m pretty sure it’s not though… right? If you know the answer, please don’t break my heart.
You don’t know how hard it is being exposed to so much sex stuff like that. After watching the two movies (there was nudity in Talk to Her as well), I started to watch this new American TV Show “Girls”, which was a REALLY BAD IDEA! You know how American TV shows are. Sex, drugs, messed up drama, and sex again. If I could shout it to the world, I would: there is too much sex around me! Please, I don’t want to see anyone’s private parts right now!
Anyway, right now I’m just trying to “release the inner self”, whatever that means. I could be much more broken inside, or maybe the pain is just a scratch on the outside. I will never know if I don’t look within myself. Right now, I might go back and forth. From my own world to reality. Alone. Together. Alone. Together.
I’ll let Neil Gaiman describe what I’ve found out about myself so far:
“I am selfish, private, and easily bored. Will that be a problem?” – Neil Gaiman, Fragile Things
PS: I’m dreaming of studying Forensic Linguistics one day.
Also, I might even receive a fully functional laptop very soon (without spending money!). I’ll finally get to use Skype without any problems *Alanis Morissette’s hit song Ironic starts playing*.
EDIT: I got accepted at Simon Fraser! <3