healthy, adj.
There are times when I’m alone that I think, this is it. This is actually the natural state. All I need are my thoughts and my small acts of creation and my ability to go or do whatever I want to go or do. I am myself, and that is the point. Pairing is a social construction. It is by no means necessary for everyone to do it. Maybe I’m better like this. Maybe I could live my life in my own world, and then simply leave it when it’s time to go.”
― David Levithan, The Lover’s Dictionary
***
It occurred to me that maybe I was born to be alone.
Just a few days ago, I got really into this very catchy song by Kate Nash (my new favourite artist, by the way). It’s called Merry Happy. It might be my new very own life anthem. The lyrics goes
I can be alone, yeah, I can watch a sunset on my own. I can be alone.
Maybe pairing really is a social construction. I remember reading something from the Bible which says that if you can, don’t marry at all. Maybe I can.
Now the thing about me is, I really like babies. I want my own baby. I can’t just get myself pregnant with some random dude on the street and be all like “hey I’m not married, but I’d really like a baby so can you, like, give me some of your sperm or something?” No. That would be slutty. And that’s just gross. So because of this, I kind of made a Plan B, which is kind of obvious by now, I guess.
Adoption! I don’t really know much about it, but I’d like to adopt a baby in the future. I just watched the movie Juno (Michael Cera, Ellen Page) the other day. It’s about this teenage girl who got preggers by accident. She didn’t want to keep the baby, of course, because she was only in highschool. This married woman who couldn’t have babies adopted the highschool girl’s baby. They just agreed on it. I mean, with help from a lawyer and all that. Maybe I should do that as well. Wait, I don’t know what I’m saying right now, but I’ll consider doing that if all else fails, you know?
By the way, I just finished reading The Fault in Our Stars. I made a post about it on my Tumblr account. I rated it 3/5, if you’re curious. Everything I want to say about the book is on the Tumblr, yo! Except for this: the story will make you think about things like what is the last book I’m going to read? Will I make it to the end of the book? I wonder. Will I be able to read all of Chuck Palahniuk’s books? Will I finish the book I am currently reading? It’s one of the sad things about dying. Your life might end slowly or abruptly. It’s sad either way because, well, your life is ending.
This made me remember Banana Yoshimoto’s short novel Hard Luck. In that one, though, the question is what is the last song am I going to listen to? In the story, it says that the last song you listen to will have to be sort of related to your death. I wonder if the last song I listen to would have some relation to my death. I just hope I don’t listen to anything stupid around the time I die.
***
Also, I wrote short poems. But I will not let you read them all. Maybe just one because I am a really bad poet and I know nothing about poetry:
Plan A
I seek a confident mouth
With an honest breath.
Barely able to utter lies
Of carelessness,
Made to tell even
The most painful truth
With words of comfort and assurance.
A mouth that carries stories
That are yet to unfold
And that still linger-
In this mouth lies a rock
Which I will wrap around my finger.
For some reason, I feel embarrassed when writing poems and letting others read it, especially when the readers get it. It’s kind of like posing naked in front of people and saying hey, this is all I got. Something like that. I find it humiliating. Maybe it’s because I’m not sexy, and I just really suck at poetry.
I sometimes think so too – that I might be meant to be alone. It’s something I’m usually happy with. I’m happy being on my own. Then again I have had more experience on being on my own than being “we”. Whatever happens, happens. But yes, I will definately not just ‘hook up’ with a random “ok” guy just for the sake of not being alone (or wanting a family).
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I agree with you completely, the idea that every man and every woman on Earth apparently have to be paired up with one another to be complete and happy people is entire ridiculous.
No offence against those who truly do find happiness doing this, but I don’t think it should be viewed as the only way to go about ‘fulfilling’ one’s life.
It seems very B.C. to me, y’know? Very cavemanish, animalistic, like we’ve no choice but to settle down and continue populating the world like common apes.
We’re humans as opposed to just another animal for one reason: Our ability to think and reason and speak. If we just go with the flow because that’s what everyone else is doing, then what’s the sense of us being humans?!
Welp, that turned into a whole long rant, LOL. I hope you’re not offended! Reading your entry just sparked a whole bunch of thoughts that I simply had the share, haha. Ah~
^^;
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Pairings, yes they are quite interesting.. I’m torn right now between believing destiny actually plays a part in whom we’re going to be with or whether it’s just something that happens because, it happens, love being arbitrary. It means what we wish for it to mean. I wonder if you’ve had any personal experiences which support your belief? I’d love to hear of those.
Btw, that is one lovely poem and I like how its title somehow corresponds to the post title. I suppose you meant it to be that way? :D lovely. Have a nice summer break.
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Chiui Reply:
May 1st, 2012 at 1:06 pm
@Cza, Yes, they’re meant to be that way. I’m glad someone noticed :)
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That certainly is a new perspective, one that I never thought about. Maybe it’s because I do like being with people in general, not all the time, but I do. And I also enjoy having a significant other to take care of and to love for and the uhm… the intimacy. :D
But before I read the word “adoption” I was thinking of sperm bank LOOOOL!!! Because you said you wanted your own baby, hahahaha! Hey! It is another option. ;)
But this feeling of wanting to be alone could have risen from the fact that you’ve been feeling pretty low recently. The wanting to be alone, the wanting to hide and escape from everyone you know…I have a friend whose like that actually. She just “disappears” for a couple of months or weeks and eventually comes back because she eventually craves that social circle. When I feel really depressed, I don’t want to go out at all. I just like to be by myself until I feel like I found my inner balance again. Maybe it’ll be like that for you too once time passes. Who knows. :)
But I’m not a very poem savvy person, half the time I have a hard time deciphering poems because I like straightforwardness but I think I get the gist of your poem, except for the last two lines. I got confused. I thought it meant about how you yearn for a experienced but straightforward wise confidant ..and then boom, I got lost. XD
Don’t feel embarrassed or humiliated by letting others read your poem. People like knowing how others feel and think. ;) And your pretty and sexy from your pictures alone. :P
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